The following is the last half of my actual standup routine, it isn’t as effective when read but it’s had a lot of work put into it and I thought putting it here was better than anything else. The bits in bold are direction for me so I know how to deliver some of the lines.
Recently I saw a street preacher yelling at everyone in the crowd. I didn’t catch much of what he said but I remember one thing, he said “Jesus will come like a thief in the night”.
Pause, say ‘Right’ mainly separate from everything else
Right.
Say ‘But does he? Really?’ in a sharp, staccato like fashion
So, on the one hand, I fully understand why he is evangelical. Mark 16:15, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.” He has to do it. Many interpretations of the bible say that it is your sacred, God-given duty to go and preach to anyone you can. I get why he does it, I understand, he has to do it, he has to do it. But does he? Really?
At the very least he could pick a better analogy. “Jesus will come like a thief in the night”. What does that mean? He’s going to come and steal my property? Sneak into my home and take what is rightfully mine, like some kind of magical Jeremy Corbyn?
What’s the point? What do I have that he could steal and not already own? He’s from heaven, he is God, what is he stealing? The only thing I can think of is my soul, and that’s fucking terrifying! How’re you going to convince anyone to join your religion with that?
“Hi little Timmy, as a way to nicely introduce you to the concept of religion, I think it’s best to start with the idea that you have a soul.”
Scary eyes, lock eyes and move into someone in the front row, scary voice
“And that disobedience will result in its violent removal from your writhing body”
Pull back
Nah, of course he doesn’t mean that.
Pull out and unfold a piece of paper.
The definition of the phrase “like a thief in the night”, according to dictionary.com is:
“to appear or arrive somewhere swiftly and stealthily”.
Refold and put into your pocket as you repeat:
Swiftly and stealthily.
Pull out a piece of paper with the verse on it
Let me read a bible verse to you, that I am also pulling out of my arse. This is from Revelations, this is Revelations 20:11-15.
Read from the paper.
I saw a great white throne and the one sitting on it. The earth and sky fled from his presence, but they found no place to hide. I saw the dead, both great and small, standing before God’s throne. And the dead were judged according to what they had done. Death and the grave gave up their dead. And all were judged. Then death and the grave were thrown into the lake of fire. This lake of fire is the second death. And anyone whose name was not in the Book of Life was thrown into the lake of fire.
Fold up piece of paper, use as prop for emphasis. Cut yourself off with the question and sound angry.
Now what part of that is stealthy? Anyone? I can pass the verse around if you want to find the stealthy bit.
Maybe hand the paper to someone
Here you go mate, find something sneaky… I’ll wait.
Count to 3
I know it’s been a long set, but I’m happy to wait just a little longer for you.
Count to 2, then emphatic – annoyance
Spoiler alert, there is no stealthy bit, come on!
Imagine – the kingdom of heaven arrives on Earth, a lake of fire is born and the corpses of all dead rise from the ground and walk into a great queue, waiting to be judged, and it just, what, flies under the radar? Come on, a long queue for a subpar reward is something the British are renowned for, so we know it’s going to be in our front bloody lawn.
All people are taken to God and judged by angels, and this is a swift process!? Hmm yes, so stealthy too, nobody’ll notice it.
“I never notice those moments when a fucking kingdom drops down from the sky and crashes into the ground. I saw my old Uncle the other day, and it wasn’t until just now when you point out the absurdity of it that I remembered he’s been dead for 15 years”, so bloody stealthy, who’d notice that happening eh?
In a huge queue, deafened by the rabble of people pushing through to find their loved ones, and I’m standing there, and I know damn well I’m being judged poorly – like I know I’m gonna have to motorboat the devil’s taint until the second cumming.
I just get to the angel at the end and he goes, “sorry mate, we just gave your space in heaven away to this street preacher here! I tell you, he came in and took that spot from you like a thief in the (pissing?) night.”